Attachment theory examines an individual’s comfort in expressing their emotions and trusting that their loved ones care about them. Families shape our sense of what’s okay and not okay to acknowledge and express.
By Liza Raynor, LCSW, RPT, Early Childhood Therapist
Attachment theory examines an individual’s comfort in expressing their emotions and trusting that their loved ones care about them. Families shape our sense of what’s okay and not okay to acknowledge and express.
These expressions start as babies. When a baby cries out with a need and the need is met, the baby learns that it’s okay to listen to their body and use their cry to alert loved ones. They learn that even though hardship happens, they can use their voice and their loved ones keep them comfortable and safe. This co-regulation is the foundation for security in relationships.
A baby’s earliest needs are sensory—dirty diapers, hunger, overstimulation. Of course, a baby is unable to meet these needs on their own. The cycle of secure attachment starts like this:
Babies and their caregivers go through this attachment dance all day long with needs like hunger, fatigue, boredom, fear, and pain. Every time the caregiver meets the baby’s needs, they reinforce the baby’s body awareness, voice, and trust in others.
But what about the times when a child’s sensory needs are not met?
Sadly, some babies have caregivers who are unsuited to care for babies, and they neglect the baby’s experiences and cries. These babies learn to ignore their body sensations because their cry doesn’t work to meet their needs. These babies can become stoic and detached from their body. They may distrust people and feel unsafe.
Some babies have doting, attentive caregivers but they still have a detached relationship with their bodies and a strained caregiving relationship. Why?
Some babies are born with hypersensitive nervous systems that are hard for the most attentive caregivers to regulate. Babies are born with sensitivities for various reasons. Some nervous systems are disrupted in utero from the maternal cortisol of extremely stressful pregnancies. Other babies don’t have stressful pregnancies but are still born with challenging nervous systems. Many of these children have sensitivities that they largely outgrow, and some are later diagnosed with autism.
No matter the reason for the sensitivity, children with sensory differences can be hard to co-regulate. They may not have the body awareness to listen to their aversions and their cravings. They may not be able to articulate their experiences and ask for comfort. Their parents may be at their wit’s end trying to understand their child’s mysterious needs. This can be frustrating and devastating to everyone involved.
The answer is finding their own unique attachment dance with their child. Some children need occupational therapists to help their family learn their sensory aversions and cravings. When the child builds their body awareness, they can use their voice to let their caregivers understand. Together, the parent and child can find activities that feel good.
Maybe the child likes to be rolled up tight in a blanket like a taco. Maybe they like to chew gum. Maybe they hate the smell of perfume. Maybe they like to spin. Maybe they like to be smooshed in pillows. Maybe the like silicone straws. Maybe they like to wear headphones in crowded spaces. Maybe they need wiggle breaks every 10 minutes. Maybe they need a calm pillow corner to be alone and rest their senses.
Discovering a child’s unique nervous system can be exciting. Every time a parent provides comfort, that child learns “I have a body. I have a voice. I have loved ones who make me feel good.” They build a secure foundation knowing that they can express themselves and others support them. Teachers and grandparents can also help co-regulate kids to help them use their voice and coping skills. Raising healthy kids takes a village!
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