Mourning is an active process and task of working through grief. But how do we mourn? And what does this process entail?

Psychologist J. William Worden provided a framework for the four tasks of mourning in the book Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. They include:

1.     Accept the reality of the loss

An important component of mourning is acknowledging the loss. Sometimes this comes naturally, such as with the death of a loved on. In other cases, such as the loss of a sense of peace after a violating incident, grief may not be the first thing that comes to mind. It may take additional emotional processing to recognize that grief is an underlying presence.

2.     Process the grief and pain

In order to properly mourn, a person must take the time to move through the pain. Depending on the type and circumstances of the loss, this may mean days, months or longer of difficult emotions and tears. In this step of the journey, it’s important to process these emotions in a healthy way, whether that means journaling, talking with a trusted friend, colleague, faith leader or mentor, or seeking professional help through a mental health professional. 

3.     Adjust to life after the loss

Life after loss can sometimes feel impossible. But one of the tasks of mourning is finding out how to keep moving. Part of this process involves identifying what you miss about the “before” and figuring out how to fill that void in a healthy and constructive way.

4.     Maintain a connection while embracing the new

Ultimately, someone who has worked through the tasks of mourning will be able to maintain a connection to what was lost and also embrace the new. This task is the act of finding out what you want to keep alive from the loss, and in what ways you want to move forward into this new territory.

These tasks are not necessarily linear, and someone may move from one to another and back to the first one. There is also not a set timeline for this process. Each person manages their grief in a different way, based on their personality, the nature of the grief, their life circumstances and their own experiences.

During times of grief and mourning, it can be natural to think, “Something bad happened, and it will happen again.” This is the root of hopelessness, the idea that bad things can and will happen. But the antidote to this is to remember that the opposite is true as well. It is helpful to remind ourselves that “something good has happened and will happen again.” Focusing on what has worked can help us regain a sense of hope, even after significant loss.